This recipe can be made with any damn fruit which has a pit. You can use nectarines, peaches, apricots, plums, and I'm pretty sure you could do it with apples if you really wanted to. Just, for the love of my non-existent left testicle, don't use bananas. You don't want to taste that.


  • 3 lbs of stoned fruit, preferably almost overripe
  • Apple Cider vinegar to taste
  • 1 1/2 cups sugar
  • 3/4 cup water (you may need more, depending on the climate where you are)
  • juice of a squeezed lemon or lime
  • a wee, tiny bit of garlic to give it some earthiness
  • 2 shots of your favorite booze (rum or whiskey are quite nice in this)


  • cumin (keep adding until the chutney has a faint, but persistent, taste of cumin
  • a palm full of coriander seeds
  • 3 pinches anise seeds
  • 2 teaspoons of cinnamon
  • a wee, tiny bit of cloves
  • red chili powder
  • crushed red chili flakes
  • a little Cardamom

You can use a commercial Garam Masala blend, I just happen to live near several stores catering to the local Indian, Thai and Vietnamese populations, so I'm spoiled for cheap seasonings. You may need to adjust the seasonings from the Garam Masala.


Pit and coarsely chop fruit. The chunks can be quite large; they'll cook down. Put fruit chunks in a large soup pot (or small pan, if you choose to not make as much at a time.) Add everything else, vinegar last at a 1/2 cup. Do not taste the chutney at this point. Turn the stove on to medium, stirring occasionally. It will make an awful stink due to boiling vinegar, which is normal. Cook until fruit has gone soft, and sugar is fully dissolved. Taste at this point, adding more spices or vinegar as needed. Cook another few minutes, or until fruit is almost mushy. The texture should resemble jelly, with chunks.

Remove from heat and allow to cool. At this point, you should have tons of chutney. Good news: it freezes without any loss of flavor, and you have not had pork until you've had it marinated in this. It's also perfectly fine with samosas, or as a condiment to any handheld food, and I do mean hot dogs.

It's a great way to use up the fruit from backyard trees, or to use up fruit which is on the verge of being funky.

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